It’s Never Too Late to Save Your Marriage

Written by Michele Weiner-Davis

 

When marriages teeter on the brink of divorce, it’s very easy to feel defeated and even consider throwing in the towel.  This is particularly true if one spouse seems resolute about exiting the relationship.  And there are many reasons hopelessness can set in.  But it is very, very important to know that, even when one spouse is half-way out the door, relationships can be resurrected.  I know this because I have been specializing in work with couples for three decades.  Countless couples come back from the brink even when it seems like their marriages have flat-lined.  In short, it is never too late to save your marriage.

When people “fall out of love” or think that their marriages are doomed, they believe it is caused by their differences.  They assume that difficult personalities, ineffective or hurtful communication, differences in parenting styles, sexual needs, the handling of money, how free time is spent (and so on) are at the root of reversible marital problems.  And while these issues are challenging and exhausting, research suggests that people in long-term, happy marriages are no more similar in terms of backgrounds, interests, values and beliefs than people who divorce. What separates people who make it over the long haul versus those who divorce is one thing only; couples who stay together and have loving marriages learn how to work through their differences.  They know how to manage their conflict.

This might not sound very romantic, but it’s true.  Why is it true?  People aren’t born knowing how to be good marital partners.  In fact, when we’re born, the world revolves around us.  It must be this way for survival of our species.  But if we take this “self-centeredness” into adult relationships, it should be no wonder that it won’t work very well.  Relationships are about mutual caretaking, not being the center of attention.
Plus, since effective communication is such an essential part of a making a marriage loving, we need to have skills to do it well.  Where do we learn how to communicate?  We watch our parents and other adult caretakers while growing up.  And many people didn’t have such great role models.  And even if our parents had wonderful communication skills, we might marry people who weren’t quite so fortunate.  Then how do you handle different beliefs about communication?

The bottom line is this:  love isn’t enough.  People are usually infatuated at the start of a relationship.  But infatuation doesn’t last.  Then, if spouses don’t have the skills they need to strengthen their marriages and overcome problems, build on strengths and resources, their marriages will become draining and stressful.  That’s when one spouse is likely to think, “I married the wrong person.”  But the truth is, you can leave a marriage believing, “ When I get out and get rid of you, life will be easy.”  However, when a divorce occurs, people generally take their bad relationship with them when they go.  That’s why the divorce rate in second marriages is considerably higher than in first marriages.

The good news is that relationship skills can be taught and learned.  You and your spouse can participate in marriage seminars that offer concrete tools to have better communication, sexual relationships, and resolve many of the differences and difficulties that you may be experiencing.  Marriage education is not therapy.  Couples don’t expose private information about their relationships.  Partners become
“students” and learn new skills and practice these skills privately in the class and at home.  Research tells us that these classes are very effective at improving marital satisfaction and increasing the odds divorce can be prevented.

So, if you or your spouse are thinking about exiting your marriage, don’t! Take a class or seminar to help you fall back in love again.  Doing so will undoubtedly be the most helpful and hopeful thing you can do for you, your spouse and your children.  My advice, “Don’t leave home without it.”

Michele Weiner-Davis

Author of Divorce Busting

www.divorcebusting.com

 

 

Post By divo4776 (62 Posts)

Connect

Comment Policy:This website will not share or publish your email address. Make sure you enter the (*) required information where indicated. Basic HTML code is allowed.

Leave a Comment

*

Coalition For Divorce Reform

The Legal Journey of No-Fault Divorce in America

by Matt Johnston Introduction The evolution of no-fault divorce in the U.S. is intertwined with cultural and social transformation. Originating from revolutionary reforms in early 20th-century Russia, the concept of dissolving a marriage without proving or even claiming fault found its way into American discourse, challenging traditional views on marriage and divorce. It is no […]

Navigating Your Child’s First Christmas After Divorce: Tips for Emotional Support

By Cathy Meyer The first Christmas after a divorce can be an emotional rollercoaster for children. It’s a time typically filled with family traditions and comforting routines, but this year, those traditions might feel different—or even broken. As a parent, your heart aches to shield your child from the sadness and uncertainty this season may […]

Standing for Marriage Even After Divorce

By Lisa Ann McKinley My name is Lisa Ann McKinley and I’m standing for my marriage. This is my testimony about where I am in my marriage and how my faith journey changed after attending the November retreat by Catholics for Marriage Restoration and the Archdiocese of Atlanta. I originally wrote this for my family […]

No-Fault Divorce is Bad For Kids. Divorce Justice is the Answer.

By Katy Faust My name is Katy Faust and I am the founder and president of Them Before Us. We are a global movement defending children’s right to their mother and father. That makes us fierce opponents of divorce. “Divorce” is another term for the death of a family. With it often comes the death […]

Strengthening Marriages in Florida: A Template for Divorce Reform, Complemented by the Latest in Technology

By Seth Eisenberg In the spring of 2000, Jane and Michael stood hand in hand at the altar, excited yet mindful of the challenges that lay ahead. They were like any other young couple—full of hope, but also cautious about the realities of married life. Two years earlier, Florida had introduced the Marriage Preparation and […]

Suffer Little Children

by Jason Williams Getting older is weird, at least if you have kids. It’s like doing 30 on the Interstate. Everything else is moving around you so fast that you feel like you’re standing still. I see it the most in my kids’ clothes. Pants, dresses, etc., start out too big so they can grow […]

The Latest Scare Cards to Prop up No-Fault Divorce

By Beverly Willett After a rash of rumors about a Republican plot to end unilateral no-fault divorce, a writer for The Atlantic has weighed in. The piece devotes exactly one paragraph to the claim, asserting that “Texas has a chance of actually doing it” because Republicans occupy top seats in the executive branch and control […]

Talking Points from The Longevity Project

1. Children from divorced families died almost five years earlier than those from intact families [page 80]
2. Facing parental divorce during childhood was the single strongest social predictor of early death, many years into the future [p. 80]
3. Having one’s parents divorce during childhood was a much stronger predictor of mortality risk than was parental death [p. 80]
4. The experience of parental divorce was strongly linked to earlier mortality from all causes, including accidents, cancers, and cardiovascular disease [p. 82]...Read more
 
 

Study Demonstrates Reduction in Military Divorce Due to Marriage Education

Findings from a large, randomized controlled trial of couple education are presented in this brief report. Married Army couples were assigned to either PREP for Strong Bonds (n = 248) delivered by Army chaplains or to a no-treatment control group (n = 228)...

DOWNLOAD FULL STUDY HERE