Getting older is weird, at least if you have kids. It’s like doing 30 on the Interstate. Everything else is moving around you so fast that you feel like you’re standing still.
I see it the most in my kids’ clothes. Pants, dresses, etc., start out too big so they can grow into them. Next thing I know, I’m seeing those same articles in donation boxes because they don’t fit anymore. Meanwhile, I have t-shirts older than my kids are. I call it the “Thrift Store Life Cycle” since that’s where most of our clothes come from and eventually return to.
Everybody says kids grow up fast, and it’s true. We’ve really felt the weight of that statement lately because our kids have made it to the “big” changes. Within the past year or so, we’ve endured our youngest becoming a teenager, two driver’s licenses, and two high school graduations. Within the next year, we’ll have to face first jobs, first cars, and probably even first romances. Ick.
It’s all the upheaval that has me realizing I have not in fact been standing still all this time. Just as my kids have been growing toward a time of striking out on their own, I’ve been progressing toward a time of being left behind. My hope is that unlike the forgotten fashions of the donation box, my wife and I will have the staying power of my t-shirt from Elliot’s bar mitzvah party back in February 1999.(Full Disclosure: That was a thrift store find in high school – no clue who Elliot is.) I believe the key to our thriving—and theirs—will be the strength of our family relationship.
According to research, kids thrive when their moms and dads are married to each other and are actively involved in their kids’ lives. As children, they’re more confident and well-behaved. As adults, they’re more stable and productive. After performing my own longitudinal study for nearly 18 years (i.e., daily life), I am happy to report that the research has been right so far. Our strong family relationship in fact appears to be producing strong future adults.
Several years ago we committed to prioritizing a loving, connected family above all else, and with God’s help we’ve stuck with it. As a result, our kids did so well in school that they graduated early. They receive compliments from strangers on their behavior. They get excited about doing ministry work, even when it’s demanding physical labor. On top of that, they still crave family time. They talk to us about problems and share confidences. Even their friends seem to want to be a part of our family. All this is despite them being teenagers. My wife and I maintain the line between parents and children too, never resorting to becoming their “buddy” just to be part of our kids’ lives. It’s not because we’re anything special either (although my wife is incredible). It’s simply by the grace of God and investing in each other.
I firmly believe that relationships are built on nonsense and inconvenience—within limits. It’s the stuff of great memories. Yes, it’s important to be responsible, pay your bills, provide stability and boundaries, and all the other boring “mature adult” stuff. But memories are the lifeblood of relationships. Shared experiences bring people closer, but if they don’t stand out what good are they?
Here’s one example among many. We’re not big on video games, but I still have my original NES console. A few years ago, my wife and I were feeling nostalgic and ordered the old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle NES Arcade Game to play with the kids. One school night we stayed up playing for hours, swapping out players as needed, cheering each other on, until we beat the game. We still talk about that night and fondly recall how crazy it was. Conversely, literally nobody says, “Hey remember that night we ate supper, did some school work, and went to bed at 8:30?”
If nonsense is the bond, inconvenience is the foundation. Love is inconvenient. Kids get sick at 2 AM, want to talk when you’re in the middle of doing something, and need math help after you’ve had a long day at work. Opportunities to demonstrate love usually happen at the worst possible moment. But I believe those moments are the ones that stick with us. I disagree that you can’t buy love. You buy love with time. By investing your time in your kids, you make them a priority and show them they matter to you—especially when it’s inconvenient.
One time when Jesus was teaching a crowd, some parents tried to bring their children to him for prayer. His disciples tried to turn them away, but Jesus said, “Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me; for of such is the kingdom of Heaven.” That was excellent parenting advice. Kids can be a hassle and an inconvenience, but if you don’t have time for them when they’re little, they won’t have time for you when they’re big.
For me, the hardest part of all these changes is the looming separation of lives. That’s the final test—whether our relationship is strong enough to survive being under separate roofs. We’ve always been a very close family, and we do almost everything together. We even have traditions we won’t do if any of us is missing. One is reading together. Ever since the kids were little, I have read books to the family to keep us from watching too much TV. We’re currently on Book 7 of 8 in the Anne of Green Gables series. I’ve begun to wonder whether we’ll have enough time left to finish the series, which is seriously a sad prospect because these books are incredible, Another tradition is watching new videos together from YouTubers.
The bright spot of their leaving, however, is grandkids. I imagine it will be kind of like getting to watch my kids grow up again. It gets defined a lot of different ways, but all any parent wants is for their kids to get the “best” life has to offer. For me, that was finding love and starting a family. I can’t conceive of anything more satisfying that seeing my kids as happily married parents.
Call it my “non-legislative” effort toward divorce reform. The strongest love grows from hard places, but unfortunately people often tend to run from marital problems rather than work through them together because they think it’s easier. Hence the popularity of no-fault divorce and the broken families in its wake. The only long-term solution is for children to grow up seeing the benefits of flourishing through the struggle so that, as adults, they’ll know that sticking it out really is the best way.
In my experience, parenting never changes. It’s always the same three-step process: carrying, holding hands, and letting go. The cool thing about letting go is that it doesn’t necessarily mean your child is going to wander off somewhere. Ideally, even if they do go exploring a little, they’ll continue to walk along beside you. And if your kids are certain of your love for them, they can’t help but keep you in their lives even when they’re established adults. That’s what I’m counting on.
It will be a few years before I know for certain whether our approach has been the absolute right one. But my wife and I think it is, and so far, so good. In the meantime, I’ll keep poking along on the Interstate of Life, trying to focus on what matters and letting everything else pass by. Most likely wearing a 30-year-old Garfield t-shirt.
