I’ve been writing about marriage and divorce for over 20 years from many vantage points—person, legal, and scholarly. Often, I’m asked why anyone should try and save their marriage if their spouse no longer loves them. Put another way, people also ask: Why love someone who doesn’t love you back?
These are fair questions. When someone recently raised the issue on social media, I asked for indulgence while I took the time to articulate it thoroughly, rather than reply with glib shorthand. When I sat down to think, my thoughts quickly turned into this article. Which still only scratches the surface. But I hope it will fuel conversation.
It’s hard to remember the first thing that came to my mind. But certainly, “because it’s the right thing to do” came quickly. I remember when one of my now adult daughters, as a teen, screamed, “I hate you.” It stung, but I was the mom so I tried to shrug it off. It was uttered in the heat of the moment when I’d said “no” to something. The tantrum passed, we got through it, and we have a strong relationship today.
Loving people through the difficulties can make relationships stronger. And what marriage doesn’t have difficulties? Uh, none. I loved my ex-husband even when he said he no longer loved me and wanted a divorce because I promised to do so at the altar, with all my heart. I didn’t feel loving that morning at our kitchen table when I listened to messages from the lover I didn’t know he had. But my promise for better or worse existed independent of the fact that he’d broken his—and for just such occasions.
That didn’t mean reconciling, if he’d been willing, meant I’d take him back without repentance or us working on our problems. Offering cheap grace wouldn’t have transformed anything or allowed our relationship to recover and grow.
We had a low conflict marriage, albeit with some serious issues. And sometimes when there’s conflict, it takes one spouse remaining more clearheaded than the other, and putting their hurt feelings on hold, in order to deescalate and restore communication. If both stop loving, without an intermediary, how is reconciliation possible?
I’m Catholic, and I often hear Bishop Barron quote Thomas Aquinas’ definition of love—willing the good of the other. If that’s true, and I believe it is, then continuing to love is a good thing. If marriages remain intact, that produces better outcomes for men, women, children, and entire communities on every level of wellness—financial, physical, and emotional. Communities with more marriages are safer too. So loving your spouse when they no longer love you, enhances the odds you will repair your differences, and in turn be good for your children and your community. Wow!
Which means continuing to love makes you a hero not a doormat. Doesn’t everyone want to be a hero? Otherwise, why is Marvel making money hand over fist?
So why do I sometimes get social media flack when I suggest willing the good of another, who just happens to be a member of one’s own family?
I don’t mean to be critical, but as humans, we’re driven by self-interest. As Blaise Pascal said, all that’s wrong with the world is the inability to sit alone in a room in silence. Because that means self-examination and acknowledging things about ourselves we’d rather not look at. But that’s what it takes to be a superhero or, in Catholic parlance, growing in holiness toward sainthood.
Sure validation makes us feel good but it doesn’t move us toward harmony. Sometimes we have to move toward the suffering and through it, rather than away. Even then, reconciliation is not always possible if the other spouse remains unwilling. But I’d rather have tried and failed than not tried at all.
Why do we donate to charity and share stories about strangers like immigrants and suffering children in Gaza, but lack tolerance for our spouse and hate our Democrat and Republican neighbors who live next store?
Even the question—why love someone who no longer loves you—is a strange one. Doesn’t answering it imply adoption of the premise—that love is a feeling? But love isn’t a feeling even though we may or may not “feel” loving at a given moment. Watch your mind for even five minutes and witness how often it changes. Instead of a feeling, love is a choice we make every day, recommitting to our relationships, even if we don’t always “feel” it.
The more I think about the “why” question, the longer my list gets, and I have other work to do! But here are a few more reasons:
—Because it promotes peace, calm, and unity.
—Because it generates compassion in your heart and allow consideration of others without always placing yourself first.
—Because getting married and having a family means it’s not all about you anymore.
—Because the alternative—loneliness and being a single parent—is hard and isn’t a cure-all.
—Because gambling with the proven negative consequences of divorce for yourself, your spouse, and your children is downright scary and not worth the risk (e.g. increased risks of poverty, addiction, depression, suicide, and on and on).
—Because living without hope is a sad existence.
—Because the social science research shows low conflict marriages (most of them!) that ride out the storm can be healed, and it’s sensible to follow the science.
—Because you certainly don’t want to decrease the longevity of your children.
—Because you don’t want to increase the chances of intergenerational divorce for your children.
—Because you’re a human and not an animal and therefore capable of rational and logical thought.
—Because the world and all promises and contracts and understandings in it, including financial markets and nuclear treaties, would becoming meaningless and fall apart if people couldn’t reply on the promises of other people. And walking away from marriage, collectively, undermines the value of promises.
—Because forcing divorce on your spouse and family is unconstitutional and certain to cause pain and suffering, and you’re a good person who also believes in a law-based society, not anarchy.
—Because children learn by example and as a parent, you have the responsibility to set the best example you can for your children for when they encounter tough times, as they surely will.
—Because difficulties aren’t pointless and often can be a learning experience that results in better relationships and stronger and better people.
—Because on your off days when you’re not at my best and don’t feel loving, you want reciprocity—for the people you love to keep loving you and not give up on you.
—Because love isn’t a switch that we turn on and off like a light fixture.
I invite you to continue the conversation by posting your own answer to the question below.
*NOTE: The facts about the negative consequences of divorce cited herein are backed up by research. Consult the many articles and references to studies on this website, beverlywillett.com, and ifstudies.org.
