As a veteran marriage therapist with nearly 40 years of experience, I am one of a group of professionals who have found that the format of the traditional “60-minute” therapy session repeated week after week is impractical-even inherently flawed.
Instead I, along with a number of my colleagues, now offer two-day couples intensives.
But can you really turn your marriage around in two days?
Yes, you can.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE THERAPY HOUR
When a couple starts traditional therapy, it often takes many sessions for the therapist to get enough information about underlying problems for reparative work to begin.
Meanwhile, the problems persist, often adding to a deepening sense of hopelessness.
Within each session, it can be daunting to discuss profoundly personal subjects, so people often procrastinate, waiting until the end of a session to share their innermost thoughts and feelings.
Ending sessions abruptly when people are in the throes of emotionally-charged conversations doesn’t bode well for the week ahead.
About 15 years ago, I started looking for better solutions for the on-the-brink-of-divorce couples who frequented my practice. They sincerely wanted help for their fragile marriages, and they didn’t have time for “he said/she said” rehashing of marital woes or endless replays of “I’ll change if you change first” mantras.
Two-day intensives-just you and your spouse or partner (for non-married couples) and a therapist-allow ample time to explore issues in depth, to deal with tough emotions as they arise, and most importantly, to begin to find solutions to long-term problems.The short time frame often helps get a reluctant spouse to participate.
Example: For one of my couples, married for 35 years, a key issue was the husband’s long hours as a small-town physician.
The wife felt unloved, and the husband felt misunderstood. But committing to months, perhaps years, of weekly therapy sessions was simply not feasible.
A two-day format worked for both of them-and led to a breakthrough.
Bonus: Since therapists who offer two-day intensive marriage therapy are not in every part of the country, many couples need to travel out-of-town to attend them.
That allows them to take a break from life’s routines to focus exclusively on their relationships rather than careers and children-and to enjoy a bit of an adventure in a new place.
Many also prefer the anonymity that seeking help away from home allows.
A DIFFERENT KIND OF THERAPY
The structure of these sessions stemmed from the work of a team I was part of that developed an innovative approach called solution-focused brief therapy (SFBT) at the Brief Family Therapy Center in Milwaukee in the 1980s.
Rather than focus on the past to understand why people are experiencing problems, SFBT focuses on the future, identifying the specific steps people must take to achieve their goals.
It emphasizes people’s strengths and resources rather than shortcomings. Couples are encouraged to shift from blame over what’s going wrong-arguments, emotional distance, sarcasm-to overlooked times when things go a bit more smoothly… argument-free days…parenting differences handled collaboratively…unexpected friendly texts.
Restoring positive feelings happens more readily when couples redirect their attention to their mates’ positive actions and intentions because what you focus on expands.
SFBT has been shown to be effective in many clinical studies and is offered around the world.
In a typical two-day session, each day starts at 9 am and ends around 4 pm, with a break for lunch.
Instead of spending a great deal of time analyzing what caused problems, time is spent exploring the reasons couples are seeking help, their goals for their relationships and the concrete steps they need to take to stop fighting and achieve more love and connection in their lives.
A portion of the sessions is devoted to teaching couples relevant relationship skills.
For example, couples who complain, “We just can’t communicate” learn specific skills to enable them to have productive conversations about heated topics such as dissimilarities in the handling of finances…levels of sexual desire…or beliefs about child-rearing or how free time should be spent.
Example: A couple married 32 years was trying to rebuild trust after the wife’s affair.
During their uninterrupted time together in two-day therapy, the husband for the first time had ample opportunity to openly express difficult feelings and ask questions in a moderate environment where he felt safe to take risks.
Rather than react defensively to his anger as she had previously, the wife learned to express her genuine remorse and desire to help the marriage (and her husband) heal.
For the first time since the discovery of the affair, the husband felt that he and his wife were once again “on the same team,” and they left therapy with a plan for rebuilding trust and restoring emotional and physical connection.
Many couples attending intensive sessions are at a crossroads-one spouse may be seriously considering divorce while the other is committed to working things out.
While most couples wind up committing to staying together, in some cases during the therapy they decide to divorce.
If this occurs, the focus of the therapy then turns to helping the spouse who is more committed accept the decision…to allowing each partner to gain insights into how he or she contributed to the breakdown of the marriage, which is key to not repeating those patterns in the future…and, if there are children, to discuss strategies for effective co-parenting once the marriage has ended.Intensives help couples feel they’ve left no stone unturned regardless of the outcome for the marriage, an important step for many.
Because intensives are geared toward the future, couples leave with clarity about their courses of action, often in the form of written plans.
They often follow up with twice-monthly phone sessions with the therapist for several months, and many opt for a second in-person intensive six months later to further solidify and maintain the changes made during their time together.
The cost of two-day intensive couples therapy varies from about $1,200 to $5,000 a day depending on the location and the therapist’s level of experience and skills.
Two-day intensive couples therapy sessions are available throughout the United States. If you can’t get a word-of-mouth referral to a therapist who offers them, search the therapist directory at www.AAMFT.org. Explore therapist’s websites to find one that offers this approach, and set up time to talk-be sure to ask about the amount of experience a therapist has conducting two-day intensive sessions.
When choosing a therapist, the most important factors include feeling comfortable and respected and feeling that the therapist has a good grasp of the issues you and your spouse are going through. Beyond that, be certain your therapist is passionate about the merits of multi-day intensive sessions versus weekly therapy-as-usual.
That’s someone who knows the difference two days can make.
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Originally published by Bottomline Personal.
P,
I am sorry you have been so hurt by your divorce. I completely understand, however, Some people simply can’t handle having any sort of a relationship once the marriage ends. This is quite sad because, no matter what, as husband and wife you have shared a history. It is certainly regretful when people can’t open their hearts to create a friendship.
That said, since it’s been 10 years and he hasn’t changed, there’s a pretty good chance he might not change in the future, barring a miracle. For you to say that your heart will never heal also saddens me. Your healing can not depend of your ex-husband’s ability to be a wise, caring person.
I think you need to find ways to heal without connection to him. Stop hoping that he will change. For whatever reason, perhaps he can’t. My mother was a therapist and she always used to say, “Never try to teach a cow to sing. It won’t work and it annoys the cow.”
Having realistic expectations makes life easier. Realistically, without his softening, ask yourself what you need to do this year to help heal your heart by yourself. Then do it. Time is marching on.
Believe me, I know this is difficult; my parents divorced when I was 17 and my world changed forever. But I have found ways to channel my hurt. I have spent decades helping couples work out their differences so they can stay together.
Find your way.
Ever say to a couple, you came too late . I will only offer your divorce counseling and you must be living together or it will be futile ???
I am truly struggling right now. My wife filed for divorce back on 02-12-24. I was told about it verbally by her maybe around the 17th or 18th of March. Then she withheld my kid from me blocked my phone numbers and no matter what I did calling the police etc. I couldn’t gain access to my 3yo daughter. I had offered her full uncontested divorce, with total autonomy and authority on her end. My one request was that we do it between us. She fire the lawyer, use a $129.00 online paperwork prep service, (link provided). To the affect of keeping our affairs out of the jurisdiction of a family court, and the best interest of the child disclaimer. We had previously promised to never fight over our daughter in court, per her request actually….. In consideration of her never-ending family court fighting with her ex-husband. Over my two step sons 15, and 16! Last year in June she took out a falsely constructed restraining order against me for my CHILD, lasting until September four solid months without my child. I was instructed by my therapist to not fight it and risk discrediting her emotions and angering her further. It was about an angry phone call in which I said I was going to leave, upset over her dismissive and avoidant emotional abuse towards me. I’ve been isolated and emotionally withheld against, as well as alienated to her whole family, teenagers included, going on two years! At that same time she had engaged a lawyer whom I had previously met with myself and came highly regarded, as aggressive. I was bewildered at the conflict of interest. But let it go as we had made progress and the order had been dropped in August or September. We spent a 10 days camping together in Zion, to celebrate her graduating doctor school. It was the most time we spent together in maybe a year and a half. It was wonderful, a little nervous and awkward at times but I felt overall we had a good experience. Made love a number of times, always has been great between us. Then when we get back home, she got really distant. She went on a trip and I had asked to FaceTime my baby girl before they got onto the plane, it didn’t happen. Then I asked “well maybe over the weekend you can find some time”, I asked almost each day for a chance but to no avail. I asked if she was embarrassed in front of her family, she denied it. Now at the temp. Custody hearing she went on a coached hour long diatribe spinning every conflict and emotional exchange over three years out of context, and even worse further adding to them to make me out to be some crazy monster! She even laid claim to me putting hands on her, regarding events where there was a serious conflict yet she had called law enforcement and they hadn’t made an arrest. Because, the fact is nothing happened. Literally she perjured herself, with police reports available stating the contrary! I have come to learn each argument over the years, she had been telling her family a completely different story, adding things or taking other things away. We even had a therapist for a long time who would have reported a few of the incidents, had she laid claim to such offenses then. Also this lawyer she has is known to be a total snake and doesn’t care about his clients lying or helping them lie to create more conflict and make him more money. I’ve even heard tales around town of him sleeping with female clients for exchange of fees! Talk about exploitation, and disgusting. I know my wife is hurting and in a vulnerable state, so him talking in her ear promising this huge victory and getting her way, I.e. my kid, could really have a bid affect on her. He is a confidence man, no more. My thing is that I don’t know how to go about this in a way that isn’t going to totally ruin any chance I have at putting my family together. I can forgive whatever has happened no matter what, so long as there is true repentance and change on her end. Which I think there will be when she is able to heal and step through trauma and realize the hurt she has caused me, I actually anticipate it being super hard on her internally. I want to have my kid and don’t want to capitulate to false claims and hoops with family court. It only makes things worse for the next person who goes there! Most lawyers try to spin things into another version which always seems to benefit them financially, as in let go of the false claims and first hearing being fraud, just do whatever and win at trial and change the narrative. I feel that not correcting a big mistake and huge lie is going to perpetually haunt me no matter what. They will always be able to refer back as tho it was founded, if I don’t totally abolish it from the record. Even a new judge would just glaze over the record and see I had lost all rights in the beginning. Assuming me having done something wrong. There is seemingly no resources for men trying to remain true to their wives! Only if you want to fight and hurt them more and further alienate yourself. It’s a lot of information I know but I’m so hurt and lost in which direction to go. Please any advice that isn’t just capitulation and enabling this behavior is totally appreciated! God bless. Andrew